guess i'm not done

but that's a good thing

Written while listening to “Don’t You Worry” by Oh Wonder and “Jireh” by Elevation Worship

Wow, it’s July 2021 and the last time I wrote was December 2020. I remember being so passionately, can’t-fall-asleep-because-you are-so-happy-in-love that I thought I didn’t need this outlet anymore. I wanted to use this diary as catharsis—a way to get out of a rut, share feelings with friends during a pandemic, as well as track my life. And then..I guess I just thought “hey, I don’t need this anymore!” (Also side note: can you believe the pandemic still isn’t over?)

Other than love poems and news articles, I haven’t had any inkling to write for the past 8 months.

Ironically enough, I’m back to say that instead of being so happy I can’t sleep, I am writing because I am so heartbroken that I can’t sleep.

“You’re holding it together so well. I would have had no idea.”

Someone told me that when I was updating them on my life. With everything going on with family, personal, and love life, it feels like I have been hanging on by an emotional thread for the past month. But I guess since I’m not like living in sweats with messy hair and being unhinged all the time and broadcasting my baggage all the time, not everyone knows.

But, why honestly tell anyone? I’ve made a career out of being an emotional blogger/tweeter in high school and college, talking people’s ears off for hours— and I didn’t want to be that anymore. I’m different now.

There’s this Cynthia Nelms quote that says, “Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.”

It’s true, people will care a little bit, but only to an extent. But ultimately, it’s your own battles and own demons to fight.

But, I want to say it’s hard. It’s hard to make decisions you don’t want to make. It’s hard to realize a sure thing might not even be anymore. It’s hard to not be a burden. It’s hard to cry out to God and hear silence back. It’s hard to have great blessings and opportunity in your life and still struggle to feel happy about them. It’s hard to digest that not all beautiful moments last forever. It’s hard to realize that some people might not be forever either. It’s hard to not feel, yet it’s hard to let yourself feel.

I would have waited a thousand lifetimes if that meant this fantasy we had, these castles we built in the sky… would finally become real.

But, it has to go both ways or else I’m just a fool.

—-

I’m going to be starting a new chapter in my life soon.

I’m going to move again, but not to a place I thought I would this time last year.

I’m going to be grateful for what and who I have.

I’m going to keep doing what I need to do to better myself.

I’m going to dig myself out of this rut.

I’m going to Trust that things will end up for the greater good.

and I’m going to do this while hanging on by a thread.

More soon,

Erika

(Also I need to realize that no matter happy or sad, angry or heartbroken, content or bored, no matter what mood I HAVE to keep writing!)